So, here is what I did:
I installed Qimo 4 Kids (based on Xubuntu's last LTS release), added some of the Debian Jr. packages, installed Dansguardian (web filtering), and removed PulseAudio (WTF, how does that crap end up in an LTS release). What Qimo 4 Kids comes with out of the box is exactly what I was looking for. I was, however, a bit surprised that Dansgaurdian wasn't included (I sent the developers an email explaining how simple it was for me to configure it, after about an hour of research). I ran into audio issues with Exaile (the included audio player), so I installed Clementine. The problem I had with Clementine was worse, so I sudo apt-get purged PulseAudio and both worked fine. Since I now had two audio players, I kept the one that I prefer, Clementine.
I also installed Windows Millenium Edition with a couple of games and programs in the same vein as Qimo 4 Kids (educational and entertaining), but in order to protect the child, I disabled the network card, thus rendering the Internet inaccessible. There Microsoft, I made your piece of crap operating system safe.
Since this is a dual-boot system, I had to configure Qimo 4 Kids to have all of the Pictures, Music, and Videos accessible in both OS's and in a familiar place, without using twice as much space, so I symlinked from the home folder to the Windows 'My Documents' folder.
All that is left is getting a small mouse, a simple 2 or 4 button gamepad, and some pretty covering (a black Thinkpad won't appeal to a 5 year old girl like a Butterfly-covered Thinkpad will).
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